Playing to Lose

This is not a story about hedonism, adventure, and the inevitable collapse of my gambling escapades. This is the journey of an addiction spanning over 35 years. Diving into the very start of my addiction and how it manifested over a lifetime, I try to find some insight into why it was so hard to push back against the poison that made me feel so good. As I begin my recovery treatment, I discuss what’s working, not working, and why recovery is so difficult to achieve, in real-time. Gambler’s Anonymous and therapy have unearthed some of the emotions, memories, and perspectives that led to my addiction that I now need to purge and confront as they arise.My addiction became unmanageable and I didn’t know why or how to stop and I felt conflicted about my behavior every day. I struggled with my addiction as a Christian and how it went against everything I believed in. I felt lost, empty, and alone with the looming fear of the mounting debt and how it would affect my loved-ones as a result of my decisions. A prison of isolation was built from my shame as I attempted to keep my feelings to myself and figure it out “on my own”, only to find redemption from the loneliness when I found others occupying the same prison. Sharing my story is one of the many ways I’m not only attempting to help others fight alienation but to find clarity and answers to my own questions.